What I most simply want in a relationship is a friend. I see it on a hierarchy of needs, a spectrum of social interaction, where connective friendship precedes intimacy, and the feeling of intimacy is more important than physicality. I won’t feel fulfilled without people to talk, connect, spent easy time with in my life, before I’m concerned with romance, or even just touch.
Perhaps it is because there have been limits to my social contact, the relationships I do have are incredibly valuable. What I’m afraid of is apathy. Lack of feeling, of investment, of real connection. Related to this, I don’t like the idea of dating; it seems to me like an experiment rather than [the basis of] a relationship. Dating is drowned in expectation, but there aren’t necessarily connections between the two people, and it’s in such a setting that they don’t have to be part of each other’s lives at all. I don’t want that. I realize that this seems controlled, maybe too bound up, but physical or sexual connection isn’t important unless it has an emotional basis. The good part is the feelings; everything else just represents those feelings, and brings them to life. Romantic relationships have the same meaning as friendships, it’s just organized and manifests in a different way.
I’m aware that instant attraction can happen, can cloud every interaction when relating to the person, can catch you off guard in the middle of a conversation, can make it so that when you’re across from each other, you don’t know how to both look at them and talk to them because you forget your words and then you’re thinking of how not to make it awkward – meanwhile you think they would make a good friend if they weren’t so… like that. Admittedly, she’s like that. Admittedly, it’s confusing. But to go back to the original point, what I find most pleasing about her is how we talk when we don’t talk about us. We aren’t friends, right now, but it’s that possibility I… depend on.
[14.10.14]
Fragments 